Addictions Are Hard To Break

Yesterday was Monday, January 11, 2010, and we all know what Monday morning means!  I made a pledge to you, dear reader, that I would weigh myself once a week on Monday mornings and faithfully report what I weighed (no matter what the scale said.)  That particular pledge is # 1 under JOAN’S FOOD AND WEIGHT PLAN, (see blog dated January 10, 2010 called Accountability).

And being a woman of my word, just because I didn’t blog yesterday, did not mean that I didn’t weigh myself.  I did and this is what the scale said: 232 pounds.

Now if you have been following my blog, you would know that I weighed 242 pounds on New Year’s Day.  So I have lost 10 pounds.  But before you get all excited, and email me to ask me what incredible weight loss plan I’m on — I have no incredible weight loss plan.  The only thing I did was I stopped eating at A-Certain-Chinese-Fast-Food-Restaurant (that is the alias I’m going to give to this Chinese fast food restaurant), because they are a very large chain and I do not want to be sued by them for saying that their food got me fat.  And I’m not saying that their food got me fat.  As everyone knows I’ve already claimed that my unhappy marriage got me fat.

“Wait a second, Joanie,” I hear Paul’s imaginary voice say in the back of my mind, “you mean to say that I can sue you for saying I made you fat?”

“Paul, it’s my opinion that our bad marriage made me fat.”

“Yes, I understand, but you’re making me out to be the reason you got fat.  I think that’s grounds for a lawsuit if this blog ever goes anywhere.”

“Paul, you can’t sue me.  I’m the mother of your only child.”

“Doesn’t matter.  Anyone can sue anyone.  Didn’t you sue me for alimony and child support when we got a divorce?”

“But that was different.  Spouses sue each other all the time when they’re getting divorced.  I can’t believe that you’re actually thinking about suing me.  I thought you’d be happy for me if I ever became successful as a writer and earned some money.”

“Nothing would make me happier if you hit it big and made some money.  I could then sue you for defamation of character and get back all the alimony I’ve been paying out to you for these past ten years.  I’m going to talk to my lawyer about this.”

“You do that, Paul.  I feel confident that you won’t get a penny out of me if you sue me, because I’ve changed your name.”

“You think that’s going to protect you?  You put it out there that I was a medical doctor.  Anyone could find out who I am if they searched hard enough.”

“And another thing, Paul.  Everything I have written about you is my opinion.  You can’t sue someone for having an opinion.”

“I’m not so sure about that.  I’m going to speak to my attorney and tell him to follow your blog.  I’m sure we can find something to sue you for.”

“Why thank you, Paul.  That would give me another reader.  I look forward to all the readers I can get.”

Dear reader, I do worry about getting sued by some irate husband or wife (for alienation of their spouses affection) after their spouse has been following my blog and decides they have had enough of being fat and unhappy in their marriage and they get the strength to leave their spouse or their bad relationship.  But what can I do?  I’m writing about a very emotionally charged and volatile subject that has rarely been spoken about and there’s not that much research on how living in a bad marriage can make one fat.  Then along comes me with a blog about how A BAD MARRIAGE IS FATTENING.  I do believe I’m an expert on this subject having lived in my own bad marriage for twenty years and gaining 150 pounds at my top weight.

But back to my incredible weight loss of 10 pounds!

The week before I started this blog, which was between Christmas and New Year’s Eve, I had been faithfully chowing down for a whole week at A-Certain-Chinese-Fast-Food-Restaurant.  It’s right around the corner from where I live.  So when I have been too busy to go out shopping for food, and my refrigerator is empty, I simply walk around the corner to A-Certain-Chinese-Fast-Food-Restaurant to indulge in my favorite calorie laden, dripping in oil, salty, binge food restaurant.  (Okay, what do you want from me?  I never said I didn’t binge.  I’m a binger.  I don’t eat all day and then I’m ravenously hungry by dinnertime and I binge on anything I can get my hands on.)

Hopefully my binging habit is a thing of the past.  I’m trying to turn over a new leaf.  Under JOAN’S FOOD AND WEIGHT PLAN # 2 it states, “I will not skip meals.  I will eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.)

So getting back to A-Certain-Chinese-Fast-Food-Restaurant.  Everyone knows me there.  You could say I am a regular, like some people hang out at a bar, I hang out at A-Certain-Chinese-Fast-Food-Restaurant.  (Last year, when I was rewriting and rewriting and rewriting my screenplay, I would show up there all the time famished having not eaten all day.)

Everyone behind the counter would greet me with a smile.  They knew my order by heart because it never varied, (I’m a creature of habit).  I always did take out.  I never dined in because I didn’t want them to know that the amount of food I was ordering which could have easily fed four people was all for me.

And whoever was serving me would always ask, “You’re having a party tonight?”

I would always nod my head “yes.”

“You like to party.”

Oh, yes, I was a party girl, alright.  Always alone in my apartment in front of the TV watching Larry King Live, I was having a party alright.  A party in my mouth.

I want to be totally honest with you about my 10 pound weight loss.  I believe when I stepped on the scale yesterday and it registered 232 pounds that what I was really seeing was a lot of water loss.

I’m not totally ready to commit that I’m never going to step foot in A-Certain-Chinese-Fast-Food-Restaurant again, but I’m really going to try not to.  As we all know, dear reader, addictions are hard to break.