A Bad Marriage Is Fattening
Can a bad marriage really be fattening? Yes it can! In my own bad marriage I went from 125 pounds to 275 pounds 20 years later. This is the story of how my unhappy marriage made me fat — and how I divorced my husband and moved on to a happier new life.

Curse Of The Redhead Riter: Part 4 Locusts And Frogs

Paul continued telling me his story. . .

“As soon as I told Desireé that she had swallowed a frog, her eyes rolled backwards and she fainted.  I could still hear the frog croaking from deep within her, ‘Ribbit!  Ribitt!  Ribbit!’  It was lodged in her windpipe.  I knew if I didn’t act quickly she would asphyxiate.”

“I struggled to pull her out of bed so that I could stand her up and perform the Heimlich maneuver.  And although Desireé weighs only one hundred five pounds it was like trying to lug dead weight.  She was out cold.”

“Suddenly I got this surge of adrenaline.  I didn’t even know my own strength because the next thing I knew, not only had I pulled Desireé out of the bed — but she was flying across the room.  I watched in horror as she hit the wall and fell to the floor.”

“The good news was that when Desireé’s body hit the wall the impact dislodged the frog from her windpipe and it popped out.  The bad news was what cushioned her fall and saved her from breaking any bones.  The entire bedroom floor was crawling with locusts and frogs.  It was the most disgusting sight I had ever seen.”

“Suddenly the locusts rose in a swarm and started flying around the room.  The air grew so thick with locusts that it was impossible to see even my own hand.  All I could hear was a loud chorus of, “Ribbit!  Ribbit!  Ribbit!” accompanied by the buzzing of locusts flying everywhere – and Desireé screaming, ‘Porgie, where are you?’”

“I’m coming, Pussycat!”

“When I finally reached Desireé she was sobbing hysterically, ‘I thought I was having the best sex of my life and it turned out to be my worst nightmare!’  Then suddenly a locust swooped down and landed directly on Desireé’s nose.  That’s when she totally lost it.”

Paul stopped talking.  He looked like a broken man.

“Paul, are you all right?”

“She lost her mind.”

For a long time we both sat in silence.  Then Paul said, “How can it be that the two women I married both ended up losing their minds?”

“That’s the proverbial question.”

“Joanie, would you please ask The Redhead Riter to remove the curse?  I’ve had enough.  I want my wife back.”

“Which one?” I asked.

14 Responses to “Curse Of The Redhead Riter: Part 4 Locusts And Frogs”

  1. Which one? LOL That’s priceless.

    That would be so gross too with all the bugs! I hate bugs. Totally. Yuck. I sure hope Paul doesn’t read your blog or he is going to think you hate him. Surely you don’t after all these years? I don’t have the energy to hate anyone. It takes far too much of my strength to hate. It is much easier to let it go and be totally indifferent.

    • Redhead Riter, I want to thank you for your comment that was the inspiration for me writing Curse Of The Redhead Riter Parts 1, 2, 3 & 4. I really had fun writing it! But all good fun must come to an end — and now it is time to move on to more good fun! 🙂 I am now returning back to writing A Bad Marriage Is Fattening.

      You wrote, “I sure hope Paul doesn’t read your blog or he is going to think you hate him.” No, Paul does not read my blog. In fact, Paul does not even know that I write a blog. And I assure you that I do not hate Paul. In the beginning I did, because his betrayal was such a shock to me. But the passage of time did heal my pain and my divorce truly became the liberating factor that allowed me to move on with my life and become the writer that I had always dreamed of being.

  2. Now that was a surprise middle and ending. I will need to remember that the Heimlich maneuver can be done in such a way (ribbit). I agree with Red on the yuck on the bugs. (and I thought to myself, I cannot believe she said, “Which one?”)

    Why did Desiree lose her mind? Not because of the frogs and locust, oh no, because she realized that her dreams and her needs would not be met by the husband she stole.

    Nice job with the curse. I liked that you connected this back to the post of the proverbial question. Good work!

    • Bev, even though you and Redhead Riter thought the locusts and frogs were “yuck” — there had to be locusts and frogs crawling on the bedroom floor because that was The Redhead Riter’s curse! She said in her comment, “Guess he is going to find lots of locusts and frogs crawling around his house soon.” And one of the frogs even got into their marital bed! 🙂

  3. The frogs and locusts are funny and especially the one that “… even got into their marital bed!” Too much fun for sure.

    I am looking forward to the next post of A Bad Marriage Is Fattening!

  4. I was anxiously awaiting the finale! And it was sure worth the wait. Great Job. You are phenomenal to say the least.

  5. Wow, that was some ending. I would not want that curse on me either. I have a bad enough time with conifer bugs and mice living in the forest. I cannot wait for you to get back to work on the next post. I missed you at The BlogFrog but figured you were out celebrating. Happy New Year and I hope you get everything you want this year!

    • Katlupe, I’m back to work on my next post and it is definitely part of my memoir A Bad Marriage Is Fattening!

      Thanks for the New Year wishes! I wish you and all my friends and readers a very happy and healthy New Year! May all your fondest dreams come to fruition in 2011! 🙂

  6. Lol – that was really funny. Being new to your site (from BlogFrog) I saw the last post first and didn’t know if it was real or not! 🙂

    Glad I got to read all 4 parts at once. Very cute.


    • Daria, now you have me laughing out loud. I had not thought about a new reader visiting my blog for the very first time and reading the Curse Of The Redhead Riter then wondering, “What the heck is going on!” Thankfully you read all 4 parts and realized it was a fantasy! Thanks for the great laugh! 🙂

  7. I loved loved loved it! But I have one question… where can I get one of those frogs? Haha!

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