A Bad Marriage Is Fattening
Can a bad marriage really be fattening? Yes it can! In my own bad marriage I went from 125 pounds to 275 pounds 20 years later. This is the story of how my unhappy marriage made me fat — and how I divorced my husband and moved on to a happier new life.

Permission To Fail

I made a commitment that every Monday I would weigh-in and report my weight.  I did weigh-in last Monday, February 1st, and I weighed 224 pounds.  I had lost 1 pound.  That meant I was down 18 pounds from my first weigh-in on January 1st when I had weighed 242 pounds.  Even though I had made a commitment to weigh-in on Mondays, I usually don’t write about my weigh-in that same day.

January had been an exciting month.  I had started writing my blog, A Bad Marriage Is Fattening, and I was losing weight.

I expected February to start out with a sizzle, but the last eight days have been more like a fizzle.

I ended up trashing four blogs that I wrote because they just weren’t right.  One blog ended up being fifteen pages long.

I don’t even want to think about the hours I spent writing.

I knew from your comments and emails to me that you looked forward each day to see if I had posted something new.  Believe me I felt your disappointment.  I was disappointed too.  It weighed heavily on me.

I knew that I had to post something today even if it was only my weight.

So I’m going to post my weight.  I weighed this morning 230 pounds.  I gained 6 pounds in the last week.

I learned something from not posting my blogs and my 6 pound weight gain.  I worked too hard on my writing and I did not work hard enough on taking care of myself.  I was not mindful of what I ate.  My priority was on getting my blogs out and so my weight loss took second place.  I fell out of balance with my dreams and my goals.

My dreams and goals for this year were to write my memoir, A Bad Marriage Is Fattening, and to lose weight.

If I were being totally truthful my dreams and my goals are not split 50/50 or I would be paying equal attention to both of them.  It’s split more like 75/25.  And guess which goal I care about the most?  You know me well.  I do care more about my writing.

I’m telling you this to out myself, because my weight gain this week shows that my life fell out of balance.  And I need to put it back in balance.

I wish I loved losing weight as much as I love writing.  Oh, I know I’ll never love it as much as I love writing, but I need to learn to love losing weight just a little bit more.  About 25% more.

And I learned something else this past week.

I never tried harder to get my blogs out.  I wrote more than you will ever know.

And I learned that sometimes you fail even when you’re trying your hardest.  And it doesn’t mean you totally failed, it only means tomorrow is another day to get it right.

So that’s how I’m going to look at my weight loss in this coming week and my writing.  I’m letting go of all the yesterdays and todays when I didn’t get it right.  Tomorrow is another day.  If I keep my dreams and my goals in sight I know I’m going to get it right.

So what I’m saying, dear reader, is this: in order to succeed we have to sometimes give ourselves permission to fail.

13 Responses to “Permission To Fail”

  1. Joan,
    I want you to know I found this blog entry just as entertaining as the others you have written, but in an entirely different type of way. You hit home with me and I can relate to having to get a balance in my life. I do love this site because of the raw honesty you share with your readers. I look daily to see if anything new is posted. I was so happy tonight to see this new entry. You have a true gift. I do believe like all gifts it needs to be nurtured. Body and soul. I am sorry to hear of your weight gain. Don’t be to down on yourself, as you said we all have permission to fail, however now you are holding yourself accountable. I think this is all just a part of your healing. I am so glad to have found your blog. I have a feeling maybe the rest of February may sizzle for you!!!!

    • Londa,
      Your comment was so heartfelt. I want to comment on what you said about my “raw honesty.” There would be no purpose in writing a blog such as this if I weren’t honest with my readers. My marriage was not a happy marriage. Luckily for me I was gifted with the gift of comedy. I don’t remember who said this, but it was something to the effect that everything in life is a comedy unless it’s happening to you — then it becomes a tragedy. My marriage was neither a comedy or a tragedy. It was my marriage. I’m writing about it now so that others can learn from my mistakes. Usually people have to go through their own mistakes and learn their own lessons. But if my experience can help just one person say, “I’m not marrying this person because he or she doesn’t really love me,” then my writing about my own marriage has served a purpose. And this blog is not only for people who are in unhappy relationships. It’s for people to learn to trust themselves and their own inner wisdom. I’m hoping that by my being honest, readers can identity with what I went through and see parts of themselves in me.

  2. Thank you for your honesty & insight. This entry was worth waiting for, as we all have goals that we must keep in sight and renew each day in spite of the on going debris that tends to block our progress. Courage!

  3. I connect the two. Blogging really helps me with my weight loss. If a post was 15 good pages, break it up into a series…but keep blogging, so many people that stop tend to fall off the weight loss wagon too. Hugs, good luck!

    • Kat,
      Thank you so much for your comment. It’s not even in my thoughts to stop writing my blog, I’m totally committed to writing my story! As to your suggestion to break the 15 pages up into a series, I would have done that if it was a good post, but the piece was not working and that’s why I trashed it. However, it did serve a purpose. My frustration at not being able to get the piece to work became the impetuous for “Permission To Fail.” I tried something, it didn’t work out as I had hoped it would, and I made the decision not to post it. That decision freed me to move on to something else that would work! Not to sound preachy, but I think that is a very important lesson to learn in life. To know when something is not working and to make the decision to move on. But you can only do something like that if you believe in yourself and you don’t live in fear. It takes women a long time to learn to believe in themselves and move on with their lives. It took me a very long time to believe in myself and my own strengths. That’s why I stayed in my own bad marriage for as long as I did. True empowerment is freeing yourself from your fears. Giving yourself permission to fail and then moving on with your life. I can tell you this from the vantage point of someone who has already done this. It’s the most freeing thing in the world when you walk through your fears and learn to believe in yourself. And by the way, everyone fails, no matter how smart they are, no one gets it right 100% of the time.

  4. Hi Joanie…
    The waiting for your new post was worth it’s while. I especially appreciated the part about you making the connection between the blogging and weight loss. I truly believe that women in today’s society often struggle with the multi-tasking in our lives. We are mothers, wives, daughters, friends, workers, business-owners, housewives, family managers, etc., etc. A very smart woman once told me, ” How can you expect to be 100% at all of these parts of you, when it would take more than one of you to handle it all?” We look at other women who have a perfect house, the perfect husband, the perfect children and perhaps even the perfect job. The question remains, how happy are these women? Always feeling the pressure of never to fail? So I applaud you for standing up and saying, yes it’s ok to fail. The important thing is to learn from the fall AND to get up and try again. And yes, even Scarlett O’Hara already knew “tomorrow is another day!” 😀
    Thanks for sharing your failures. That makes you a wonderful success in my eyes!

    • Ohhh, Moni, I just loved your comment! Thank you for reminding me of Scarlett O’Hara’s line, “tomorrow is another day.” So true! I also liked your quote from your smart woman friend. As far as anyone having “the perfect house, the perfect husband, the perfect children,” etc. the quicker people realize that there’s no such thing as perfection the happier they will be. If someone is a slave to perfection then they will have a master they can never please. Trying for perfection is the greatest oppressor of creativity and living your life freely. It’s fine to strive to do your best, we all do in things we take pride in — but the secret is when to know to let go. I’m beginning to feel like an advice columnist today replying to all my comments, but the comments have all been so good!

  5. your words of wisdom are unsurpassable!
    I love you, I love you, I love you, my dearest cousin.

    • Well, my dearest cousin, you have known me all your life. Do you think I can get a job as an advice columnist, or should I stick to writing my blog?! Nothing like a little nepotism to add to one’s comment page. I have to admit I debated whether I should add your comment to my comment page since you mentioned that you were my cousin, but then I thought to myself, “What the heck she’s my cousin and she’s proud of me!” I’m proud to be your cousin too, and I love you! So, dear reader, you can disregard anything this reader says about how much she likes my blog, because she’s my kissing cuz!

  6. A great motivating read 🙂

  7. Hi Joanie, I am glad that you went ahead and posted my comment. But, believe me, I am totally objective when it comes to your writing. So “Dear Reader”, you can trust what I may say! 🙂

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